[man] This is Ben Gross.
β
He's a 15-year-old boy
from Sherman Oaks, California,
β
and I am American actor,
producer, writer,
β
and fake rapper Andy Samberg.
β
What can I say? I wear a lot of hats.
Now, you may be asking yourself,
β
"Why is Andy Samberg narrating the story
of this particular boy?"
β
Well, honestly, his dad's my lawyer,
and I owe him a favor,
β
but Ben seems like a good kid,
so, happy to do it.
β
Fresh off a successful wine heist
β
where his greatest nemesis
became an unexpected ally,
β
Ben felt on top of the world,
β
β
β
or at least on top of Model UN
β
where in just a few hours,
the highly coveted golden gavel
β
would be safely tucked away
in his weird little briefcase.
β
Equatorial Guinea would like
to formally request permission
β
to nuke the United States.
β
[Samberg] Unfortunately, for Ben, however,
β
his new ally decided to go back
to being his old nemesis.
β
What the hell, Devi?
β
βͺ If you want to dance
Let it take precedence βͺ
β
-[siren wailing]
-βͺ 'Cause the floor is watching you βͺ
β
βͺ Ooh βͺ
β
βͺ Ah, ah... βͺ
β
What?
β
Nothing. You're the one
who's looking at me.
β
β
β
[Samberg] Had Ben imagined
the nice conversation they had last night?
β
Had he said something weird
while he was drunk on grigio?
β
And to make matters worse,
it was a six-hour drive,
β
and Ben realized he left his AirPods
back in the hotel room.
β
Hello.
β
Looks like you could use a seat buddy.
β
Egg salad? I've got extra spoons.
β
No, thank you.
β
βͺ Got my belt on tight
And the feeling's right βͺ
β
βͺ Wanna walk right up to you βͺ
β
Hey, sweetie. No time to talk.
β
I'm going to a self-actualization retreat
in Santa Barbara.
β
Didn't you just do that?
β
No, I went to a mindfulness workshop
in Santa Clara.
β
Very different philosophies,
but equally important.
β
Okay, sure. Uh, have fun.
β
It's not fun, Ben, it's work...
β
on me...
β
so I can be a better mom to you.
β
Gotta run.
β
Oh! You know what? I almost forgot.
β
You had a big debate tournament.
β
Did you get an A?
β
Actually, it was Model U--
β
Yeah. Yeah, it was great.
β
Well, good work.
β
When I get back, let's celebrate
with a mother-son sound bath.
β
I love you.
β
[door closes]
β
Love you too.
β
[Samberg] Ben's mom and dad
had a very unique parenting style
β
in that they did none of it.
β
So, contrary to his loud,
brash school persona,
β
at home he was
just another quiet, lonely kid.
β
[Ben] David S. Pumpkins
and his Beat Boy Skeletons. LOL.
β
βͺ Just moving in the dark βͺ
β
βͺ Cigarettes on the dresser βͺ
β
βͺ Juliana's sleeping βͺ
β
βͺ And it feels like forever... βͺ
β
Ooh! [giggling]
β
[Ben] Hey, can we please stop posting
lame upvote-thirsty memes
β
and get back to discussing
actual worthwhile Rick and Morty theories?
β
[Rick] That's the problem
when subs get too big.
β
They become as unruly
as the Council of Ricks.
β
βͺ Now you know βͺ
β
βͺ This is the last one βͺ
β
βͺ Now you know βͺ
β
βͺ This is the last one βͺ
β
βͺ For a while βͺ
β
[phone chimes]
β
[Ben] Hey, Dad. All the blogs are saying
that Kawhi's looking strong for tomorrow.
β
βͺ 'Cause this will be the last one... βͺ
β
[Ben's dad] Fantastic. Sounds like
we're in for a hell of a game, buddy.
β
βͺ ...laugh all the way βͺ
β
βͺ Now you know βͺ
β
βͺ This is the last day... βͺ
β
[Samberg] As friends go,
up through middle school,
β
Ben had two solid ride-or-dies.
β
There was Brian Lakestone, who got
dropped off at school on a motorcycle,
β
and Garret Von Kaenel,
β
who could burp the theme song
to Game of Thrones.
β
But both ended up
at different high schools,
β
so as soon as Ben started dating Shira,
her friends became his friends.
β
Unfortunately, her friends stunk.
β
It's also body shaming
when people say curvy is beautiful.
β
Because how's that supposed
to make us size zeros feel?
β
Yeah. I mean I even feel that way
as a double zero.
β
Hey, Shirs. Excited for the game tonight?
β
Oh, my God. Sweetie, I totally forgot.
β
I told Zoe I'd go with her
to a brow sculpting pop-up.
β
But you told me
you'd go to the Clippers game,
β
like, two months ago.
β
Do you have to get
your brow sculpted tonight?
β
Oh, my God. Did you not see my Snapchat?
β
It'll be good for my Insta.
β
Well, sitting courtside at an NBA game
is also pretty Gram-worthy, so...
β
Maybe if it were a Lakers game,
β
but my followers don't want to see
Billy Crystal eating nachos or whatever.
β
The Clippers have been better
than the Lakers for years.
β
Never mind.
β
Anybody else want Shira's ticket?
β
-No.
-No.
β
Awesome.
β
[girls chuckle]
β
Oh!
β
Again? Dude.
β
Hey, guys. How's it going?
β
So, uh, listen,
you two are into sports, right?
β
Either of you wanna sit courtside
at the Clippers game tonight?
β
I have an extra ticket.
β
To go with you,
or to just, like, sit alone?
β
No. You'd go with me and my dad.
β
So, like, only one of us could go?
We couldn't both go?
β
Like I said, it's a single ticket.
β
But wouldn't that be weird?
β
'Cause, like,
we're not really friends with you.
β
Come on.
I mean I've known you since kindergarten.
β
Maybe if we'd all hung out before.
Worked up to the game.
β
I thought maybe this would be that bridge.
β
But... yeah, never mind. Forget about it.
β
[Trent] That was weird, right?
β
[Marcus] Yeah, bro. He never talks to us.
β
Oh, but if you don't go,
β
we'll just take two of the tickets
and go with your dad.
β
-Why didn't I think of that?
-I know.
β
I was so proud when I thought of that idea
in this moment.
β
So, uh, how was your day?
β
Or the first half of it at least.
β
Babe?
β
-What-- What's happening?
-Just do it. It's cute.
β
-Mmm.
-[forced chuckle]
β
Be smilier.
β
Oh, uh, okay. [chuckles]
β
-[camera clicks]
-[giggles]
β
Ew. You have a zit.
β
Do you want me to pop that for you?
β
I don't want that.
β
Mmm.
β
Okay, fine.
β
It's okay if I film it, right?
β
-Well, I--
-Smile.
β
-Ooh.
-Aah!
β
[Samberg] Unfortunately,
Shira had gotten a text mid pop
β
and had left Ben Gross's face
looking pretty gross.
β
[teacher] Guess what, guys?
You're in luck.
β
Today we're doing a real live
chemistry experiment.
β
We're gonna be breaking good.
β
[chuckles]
β
What is it, Eric?
β
Can I go to the nurse's office?
β
I think I drank some bad milk.
β
How do you know it was bad milk, Eric?
β
Well, when I smelled it, it smelled bad,
β
and then when I was drinking it,
it got way worse.
β
I could barely finish my second glass.
β
David, guess whose dad is taking them
to the Clippers game tonight?
β
Courtside seats.
β
You know, I have an extra ticket, but only
for someone who apologizes for nuking--
β
Stop talking to me.
Don't you get that I'm mad at you?
β
No. Okay, I don't get it.
β
What did I even do that was so terrible?
β
Let's see.
β
I don't know. Maybe you running your mouth
about me sleeping with Paxton.
β
Now he's pissed at me.
β
-What? Why would that make him pissed?
-It doesn't matter.
β
Just keep your nose out of my business
β
and up the teacher's butt
where it usually is.
β
[teacher] Quiet please.
No one should be boiling over
β
except this beaker
of potassium permanganate.
β
Mrs. Paloma, that's gonna be me
β
if I can't go to the nurse's office.
Please!
β
[Samberg] Why wouldn't Devi
want everyone to know
β
she was hooking up with someone
out of her league?
β
Paxton Hall-Yoshida made every other dude
in school feel bad about himself.
β
He'd gotten pit hair in fourth grade!
β
Had Paxton said or done something
to hurt Devi?
β
And why did Ben even care?
β
You need something, bro?
β
What?
β
Why are you looking at me?
β
-Well-- [scoffs] I wasn't.
-Yeah, you were. You were staring at me.
β
It's okay. Happens to me a lot.
β
-What-- I wasn't stirring... staring.
-Then what were you doing?
β
Um...
β
Do you like the Clippers?
β
What?
β
Nothing.
β
Forget about it. [chuckles]
β
[Samberg] Yikes!
β
The usually slick-talking Ben Gross
was for real off his game.
β
But no worries,
the only game that mattered
β
was the one he was seeing
with his dad in a few hours,
β
and that was gonna be awesome.
β
[phone chimes]
β
[Ben's dad] Hey, buddy. I'm so sorry.
I don't think I'm gonna make it tonight.
β
This Kanye deal is really complicated.
β
You and Shannon should go
to the game without me.
β
[Samberg] In his dad's defense,
Kanye's deal was complicated.
β
He wanted to trademark the word "music."
β
But that didn't matter to Ben,
β
who was surprisingly sad for someone
who should have seen this coming.
β
[Ben] That sucks. Can you reschedule?
β
Typical. And her name is Shira.
β
We will. Good luck with work.
β
[phone chimes]
β
-Hey, Patty.
-Oh! Yes, my sweet prince.
β
Oh! I just ironed your socks
for the big game.
β
Nice and warm.
β
Actually, I just realized
that I got a lot of homework to do,
β
so I don't think I'm gonna go to the game.
β
And on an unrelated note,
β
my dad also has too much work to do.
β
So I guess being a workaholic
runs in the family.
β
-[laughs] Anyway, do you want the tickets?
-Why don't we go together?
β
I can bring a Ziploc bag
with frozen grapes in it, huh?
β
Nah. I gotta write a thing,
β
and, uh, do some, uh...
some-- some science and other stuff.
β
Then I will stay here with you.
β
Why don't we build a pillow fort,
and watch a scary movie like Shrek?
β
It's okay, Patty.
β
You should just go to the game.
Take your sons.
β
Oh.
β
You're a sweet boy.
β
I will place my body
in front of t-shirt cannon
β
to bring you home souvenir.
β
Thanks.
β
[exhales heavily]
β
Do you think Billy Crystal will be there?
β
I better go put on makeup.
β
β
β
[phone dings]
β
[announcer] Billy Crystal sharing nachos
with his neighbor,
β
and she seems to be reciprocating
β
with a bag of frozen grapes
from her purse.
β
Wow. Even a city slicker can't resist
a healthy game-time treat.
β
[Ben] I know her. That's my housekeeper.
β
When Billy met Patty.
β
[Rick] Hey, aren't you
on the Rick and Morty subreddit?
β
You live in LA?
β
[Ben] Born and raised. LOL.
β
[Rick] LMAO. Same.
β
Yo, I'm hitting up North End Pizza
in Burbank to watch the game
β
if you want to come through.
β
[Ben] I'm there, dude. Let's get schwifty.
β
[Samberg] Ben entered North End Pizza
excited at the prospect
β
of hanging with another
teenage comedy fan.
β
AreolaGrande007?
β
Areola. Hey.
β
It's me, TheRealPickleRick69...
from Reddit...
β
you know, the link aggregator.
β
[Ben] Okay. That is not a teenager.
β
Uh... Hi.
β
Hey, man. It is so great to meet ya.
[chuckles]
β
Oh, my name actually is Rick.
β
Sit down. Get your slice on.
β
Uh... Yeah, I'm gonna withhold my name
for a moment. [chuckles]
β
Really thought you were gonna be younger.
Your username has a 69 in it.
β
Oh, that's because I was born in 1969.
β
But I'm young at heart, fam.
β
I watch mad cartoons. Just like you.
β
Oh, I wonder what else we have in common.
β
Probably a lot.
β
I gotta be honest,
this setup feels sort of sketchy to me,
β
so I'm gonna go.
β
Look, I get it. I'm a 50-year-old
insurance adjuster from Tarzana.
β
But I'm also a Rick and Morty fan,
β
and I don't have anyone
to talk to about it.
β
I joked about getting a Mr. Meeseeks
for the office,
β
and my co-workers looked at me
like I was a total Jerry.
β
It'd just be nice to talk
to someone who gets me,
β
but I understand if you want to go.
β
[Samberg] Ben found himself
strangely moved.
β
I mean, who was he to judge this guy?
β
He was just as lonely,
β
and honestly, Rick and Morty themselves
have a huge age gap,
β
-and look at the fun they have.
-[sighs]
β
You know what? You're right.
β
I'm sorry if I was being rude.
β
We're just two fans eating pizza
and talking about cartoons.
β
-It's totally normal.
-I know, right?
β
Oh, careful, buddy. That pizza is hot.
β
You might want to blow on it first.
β
Slower.
β
Slower.
β
Yeah, that's it.
β
[Samberg] Yeah, that's not normal.
β
He doesn't want to just talk toons.
Get out of there!
β
-Yeah, I'm definitely gonna go.
-Oh, come on, man.
β
It's not weird unless you make it weird.
β
[mumbles] Let's go, Clippers.
β
Oof! Ooh!
β
[upbeat music]
β
[Samberg] Ben was a resilient kid.
β
Whenever he experienced a setback,
and last night was a real doozy,
β
he always bounced back
stronger than before.
β
Whoops! He pulled his drawer out.
β
-[growls]
-Yeah, he's sad.
β
βͺ We break hearts like bones
And take the Tyrone βͺ
β
-βͺ We want everything... βͺ
-[girls giggling]
β
βͺ Are made of the same stuff
The fire we're made of βͺ
β
βͺ We're never in love βͺ
β
βͺ Enough as the cows
Come drink me all out βͺ
β
βͺ Get drunk on my wine βͺ
β
βͺ For kicks and for pleasure... βͺ
β
Whoa!
β
Oh! What the hell?
β
Oh, no. My bad.
β
I thought there was like a roach
on your face, man.
β
'Cause there's mad roaches in this school.
β
But it's just like a huge zit.
β
Yeah, it's cool.
β
You should get that looked at.
β
I heard that if a zit gets too big,
β
it can, like, leak into your brain
and kill you.
β
Yeah, sure. I'll do that.
β
All right.
I guess it's good that I slapped you
β
so I can give you this helpful info.
β
Sure. Thank you.
β
You're welcome.
β
Oh, wait.
That Clippers game was valid, brah.
β
It must've been tight to sit courtside.
β
[door opens]
β
Benjamin, so good to see you.
β
I heard we had an uninvited guest
on your chin.
β
Yeah, I don't normally get zits.
β
I guess this one's probably just
an ingrown hair from my beard.
β
No. It looks like a normal pimple.
β
I actually don't see much of a beard.
β
Well, I'm pretty good shaving.
So that's probably why.
β
Yes, I'm sure.
β
I am going to prepare
a cortisone shot for you.
β
You know, Benjamin,
I really have to thank you.
β
You keep my Devi on her toes.
β
-Well, she keeps me on my toes too.
-[chuckles]
β
Every night at dinner, I have to hear
about this rivalry of yours.
β
"Ben Gross aced a math test.
Ben Gross aced a history test.
β
Prescribe me Adderall
so I can beat Ben Gross."
β
She's obsessed with me.
β
Wait. You guys have dinner together
every night?
β
Of course. We're family.
β
All that to say,
β
you're a very smart boy
with a very bright future.
β
Your parents must be so proud.
β
[Samberg] After a pretty bleak 24 hours,
β
this small platitude
was more than Ben could handle.
β
Here comes a little pinch.
β
There we go.
β
Dammit.
β
I knew we shouldn't have bought
generic numbing cream.
β
From now on, name brand only.
β
Are you okay, sweetie?
β
[voice breaks] I'm fine. Uh...
β
I just... I haven't eaten dinner
with anyone in a long time.
β
Oh, you poor thing.
β
I'm fine. You know,
my life is totally awesome.
β
[stammers] I don't even know why I cried.
Uh...
β
Oh, maybe I was allergic to the shot.
β
Or, uh... Or something.
Was there bee pollen in it?
β
There was not.
β
[chuckles, whimpers]
β
[upbeat music]
β
I like to put just one chili. Otherwise,
it kind of overpowers the taste.
β
Everybody, we have a very special guest
for dinner tonight.
β
Kamala, please lower
the spice level accordingly.
β
Oh, hell no.
β
[Samberg] As he stood
in his sworn enemy's kitchen
β
awaiting the pity dinner to come,
β
Ben's embarrassment
had reached a fever pitch.
β
[Nalini] How can you be so rude
to that boy?
β
[Devi] Because he sucks.
β
It's bad enough
I have see him every day at school.
β
Now we're just letting him into our home?
β
So, Ben...
β
what are you hobbies and interests?
β
[stammers] Oh, well, I really am into--
β
[Nalini] That young man is a human being,
and he's very sad.
β
Do you know he cried in my office today?
β
So many tears, I had to wipe down
the chair after he left.
β
[Devi] That's not my problem!
β
We just had the vents cleaned.
β
It's crazy how well the sound carries.
β
[Nalini] He's going through a hard time
with his family and girlfriend,
β
and he had one of the nastiest pimples
I've ever seen in my career.
β
-[pan clatters]
-Oops! Dropped my pan.
β
I thought that would be loud for longer.
β
[Nalini] You complain you want
your friends to come over more.
β
-[Devi] Ben Gross is not my friend.
-[Nalini] Why not?
β
He is nice, and smart,
and he could never buy drugs
β
because he looks like a narc.
β
Can't you be polite for just one evening?
β
At least she said "nice" and "smart."
β
Those are some of the best adjectives
there are.
β
She also called me a narc.
β
You should be proud of that.
β
The police won't work with just anyone.
β
Ben, it's so good to have you in my home,
β
a place I usually consider a safe haven
from my nemeses.
β
Devi, you promised you'd be polite.
β
I said it was good
to have him in our home.
β
If you want to stay
on the family cell phone plan,
β
you're going to have to be better behaved
than that.
β
Now, why don't you tell us
one thing you learned today at school.
β
Fine.
β
I learned that the tangent of theta
β
is equal to the sine of theta
divided by the cosine of theta. Happy?
β
Extremely.
β
Today I learned that if you forget
your wallet at the grocery store,
β
the cashier will pay
for your items personally,
β
and even give you his phone number
to make sure you get home okay.
β
Benjamin, I hear you were on
that last-minute Model UN trip to Davis.
β
Oh, it wasn't so last-minute for everyone.
β
Some of us spent months preparing
for that trip.
β
But Devi came in with no preparation
and still became the talk of the weekend.
β
Oh. Really? Why was that?
β
No reason.
β
[Samberg] If there had ever been
a perfect opportunity to nuke Devi back,
β
this was it.
β
Well, you know Devi.
She's a real firecracker.
β
Oh, no. What did she do?
β
[Samberg]
Instead, he decided to stand down.
β
Nothing bad.
β
She just brought a lot of passion
to her role as Equatorial Guinea.
β
I mean, as a first timer, I don't think
anyone's ever made such a big impact.
β
She, uh, truly obliterated
the competition.
β
Mmm, Devi, sounds like
you are quite the little diplomat.
β
Good for you.
β
You know, when I was in school,
my only extracurricular activity
β
was bathing my senile grandmother.
β
She fought me every time.
β
-[laughing] Really?
-What? No.
β
[Samberg] Ben couldn't remember
the last family dinner he'd had.
β
Probably May 2018, when his dad's flight
β
to the Billboard Music Awards
got canceled.
β
And even though this family dinner
featured humiliation, bickering, threats,
β
and food that was far too spicy,
β
it was still a family dinner.
β
And that was pretty cool.
β
Hey.
β
Um...
β
Thanks for not ratting me out
about Model UN.
β
I've kinda been a dick
to you lately, so...
β
I honestly would've deserved it.
β
Yeah, well, sometimes it's fun to make
other people's days as shitty as yours,
β
but today I didn't have it in me.
β
What happened to you?
β
And why did you cry at my mom's office?
β
Was it just about the giant herpe
on your face?
β
It wasn't a big deal.
I was... kinda feeling bummed.
β
Why? Did you butler quit?
β
Hey, I'm trying to be vulnerable here.
Also, we don't have butlers anymore.
β
-We call them house managers now.
-Okay, okay. Sorry.
β
Why are you feeling bummed?
β
I don't know.
β
I guess sometimes I feel like
I'm an NBA player, but...
β
no matter how many points I score,
my dad always ignores me,
β
and my girlfriend only likes me
for my money.
β
I wish your metaphor had been
something more in my wheelhouse,
β
like celebrity gossip
or YouTube promposals,
β
but I think I understand
what you're getting at.
β
Also, I'm sorry if I messed things up
for you and Paxton.
β
Oh, you didn't.
β
Well, maybe if I kept my mouth shut,
then you guys would've had a chance.
β
I never had sex with Paxton.
β
What?
β
I never had sex with Paxton.
β
I just let everyone believe that I did.
β
Oh! So he's mad at you for lying
about having sex with him.
β
That makes way more sense.
β
I mean, we got close to hooking up.
β
Well, as close as you can get
without kissing.
β
He took off his shirt, and I freaked out.
β
-I know. I'm a loser.
-Oh, you think you're a loser?
β
I was so lonely, I got catfished
by a middle-aged man yesterday.
β
Ben, you don't have to make up
something sadder to make me feel better.
β
For real.
β
He was a 50-year-old insurance adjuster
from Tarzana,
β
and he asked me to blow on some pizza.
β
-No.
-Yes. It was messed up.
β
[Samberg] Ben guarded his sadness
the same way I guard my Emmy award,
β
by burying it deep.
β
I put all of my awards
in an underground bunker
β
with my Garbage Pail Kids,
β
but letting it all hang out there
left Ben feeling a little lighter
β
and ready to face a new day.
β
Give me your mechanical pencil.
β
I need more photos of me looking smart.
β
Oh. Sure. Yeah.
β
[phone dings]
β
[Devi] So you never have to accept food
from a pedo again.
β
[Samberg] Although on the surface
it didn't seem like much had changed,
β
today was the least lonely Ben had felt
in a long time.
β
Anyways, that about does it for me.
β
On behalf of Ben, Devi,
β
and the whole gang
at Sherman Oaks High School,
β
I'm Andy Samberg.
β
McEnroe, back to you.
β
β
β
β
#λΈλ‘κ·Έμ²«μ€ #μμ΄ #μμ΄κ³΅λΆ #λ―Έλ #neverhaveiever #μμ΄κ³΅λΆλ² #μμ΄λ Ένμ° #λ―Έλμλμ
β
#μμ΄λͺ μΈ #λͺ μΈ #νμ€λͺ μΈ #μ’μκΈ #κΈμ #μμ΄κ³΅λΆνΌμνκΈ° #λ·νλ¦μ€λ―ΈλμΆμ²
β
#λ―Έλμμ΄κ³΅λΆ #λ―ΈλμΆμ² #λ―Έκ΅λ¬Έν #μμ΄κ³΅λΆνκΈ°μ’μλ―Έλ #μμ΄ν΄μ
β
#μμ΄κ³΅λΆνΌμνκΈ° #μμ΄νν #μμ΄ννλ¬Έμ₯ #κΈ°μ΄μμ΄
β
'netflex _script' μΉ΄ν κ³ λ¦¬μ λ€λ₯Έ κΈ
| never have i ever script ( episode 8 ) (0) | 2021.10.04 |
|---|---|
| never have i ever script ( episode 7 ) (0) | 2021.10.02 |
| never have i ever script ( episode 5 ) (0) | 2021.09.24 |
| never have i ever script ( episode 2 ) (0) | 2021.09.19 |
| never have i ever script ( episode 1 ) (0) | 2021.09.17 |